This brief article will answer a few important questions
about counseling. I will use the terms counseling, psychotherapy, and therapy
inter-changeably since they mean the same thing. Why does a person decide to go
to counseling? How do you choose the right place and the best counselor for
you? How long does therapy last?
Is it time to go to counseling?
Ask yourself a few questions. Are you happy or constantly
suffering? I believe that happiness is an inside job. Do you blame your parents
or spouse for everything wrong in your life? Therapy is where blame stops and
self-responsibility starts. Most of us find ourselves sharing our problems with
our girlfriends or mates. This can be helpful, but do you find the issues
disappear or return? Deeper, long lasting, work can be done in therapy.
There are times in life when stress levels seem more than
you can bear. You may feel overwhelmed or unable to deal with the life
situations placed on you. Stress is the response to events that upset our
balance in some way. This is when you need to find the courage to ask for help.
We all need help at one time or another. Stress is inherent in each of our
lives. It is a sign of inner strength to reach out, and make an effort to
change instead of staying stuck. Why wait until a major crisis occurs? Make it
your personal goal to find a more balanced life, and call a counselor now.
Stress management experts have created a list of the top
life stress situations. They include: Marriage, pregnancy or the birth of a child, divorce, marital reconciliation, death of a spouse or close family member, jail
term, personal injury or illness, loss of a job, retirement, and change in
financial state.
Experts suggest if you have one event from the list, it may
be time for professional help. Definitely, if you have two or more events from
the list, its time to get some help.
The first step is in recognizing how stress affects you
personally. Become aware of what happens to you emotionally and physically
during a stressful situation. The signs and symptoms of stress may include;
moodiness, a short temper, feeling agitation, memory problems, trouble thinking
clearly, indecisiveness, feeling on edge, muscle stiffness, insomnia, chest
pain, procrastination, over use of alcohol, drugs or cigarettes, headaches,
constant worrying, loneliness, or eating more or less than usual. The list is
endless and varies from person to person. These signs and symptoms can also be
caused by medical reasons, so consult your physical doctor to determine if
illness may be the cause of these symptoms.
Counseling helps individuals with a variety of challenges.
Including: depression, anxiety, time management, career goals, midlife crisis,
self-esteem, addiction, obsessions, family or parenting problems, relationships
issues, loss, loneliness, fears and phobias, anger issues, sexual abuse, change
of life issues, stress management, spiritual crisis, and anything else that
seems to trouble you.
There are many different theoretical forms of therapy
available. Psychoanalysis, psychodynamic, cognitive, behavioral, exposure,
dialectical, family, interpersonal, play therapy, music therapy, group, and
crisis name a few. I encourage you to explore all these theories through your
library or on the Internet. Having a basic idea of each will help you find what
meets your needs.
Goals of treatment will include; identifying your problems,
begin to take personal responsibility and look inward. Identify and change
behaviors or thoughts that adversely affect your life. Explore relationships
and experiences, and find better ways to cope and problem solve. Set realistic
goals, and begin to achieve them. The first session or two may be a
psychological evaluation where the therapist asks a lot of questions past and
present. Then you form goals together and have talk therapy until they are
reached. Most therapy session last 50 minutes and meet once a week for several
months. If you have more extreme issue you may meet more than once a week, and
treatment may last more than a few months.
Where do I go for Counseling?
There are many places that offer counseling at a variety of
prices. If you have health insurance, they may have a list for you. Private
practice, group practices, local hospitals outpatient services, local youth
service centers, or community mental health centers. You can now find telephone
and email counselors if transportation or cost is an issue. You may feel more
comfortable getting a referral from a friend or your medical doctor. Most people
want to stay close to home since you may be going for a few months, and not
have the time to travel far.
There are web sites where you can get referrals for
therapist in your area. Some of the professional networking groups can help
including; Association of Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist (sassoccap.org),
www.psychologist.us.com,
therapists.psychologytoday.com, American Psychological Association (www.apa.org) to name a few. Do a goggle search
and see for yourself.
You can also look in your yellow pages under
physician-psychiatrist, psychologist, counseling services, marriage counselor,
or social worker. Psychiatrists are medical doctors, and can prescribe medication.
Psychologists have earned a PhD and have more training than the Masters level
Counselors or Social Worker. In addition, some addiction counselors have a 2
year degree. The cost of treatment is more, with the more advanced degrees.
Each of the levels of degree and training may also have a specialty, which can
lead you in the right direction. Every state has a licensing system. You can
look your counselor up online or call to make sure they are licensed in your
state. On my web site, I offer a link you can click on which takes you to the
Illinois licensing site to verify me.
How do I choose the therapist that’s right for me?
A good therapist is non-judgmental, compassionate, wise, and
supportive. I suggest you take an active role in whom you ultimately select as
your therapist. Often when we go to health care providers’ we lose our
individual power, and do whatever they tell us. Being a victim of health care
instead of a shopper is not helpful. Shop around like you would for a new car.
Make your selection carefully. If your friend liked a therapist, it doesn’t
mean you will.
Ask yourself if you feel more comfortable with a male or
female, and state that choice in the beginning. If you want someone who shares’
your religious views go to your church for a referral. If you don’t understand
English ask for a bilingual counselor. If you’re troubled with marital problems
select a therapist who specializes in marital counseling. If you suffer from
severe anxiety or depression, and think medication may help choose a
psychiatrist. These days, many psychiatrists are too busy to do hourly therapy
sessions. PhD’s and Masters level clinicians will see you, and then send you to
an MD for medication management. Sometimes your medical doctor will prescribe
depression medication for you but I don’t recommend this since they will not be
following you weekly, and may not be informed on the latest psychiatric drugs.
Take a few sessions to decide if you connect well, and if
you don’t go somewhere else. I met a woman at church who told me she went to
the local mental health center, since it was economical for her and was given a
therapist. She said, “The first session she seems to listen, the second session
she seemed uninterested in what I was saying. She kept telling me that she used
cognitive theory. At each turn, I felt it was about her, and that she was
judging me. Trying to fit me in her little box.” I suggested she call and ask
for a different therapist if she didn’t feel like they could work together. She
was surprised that she had that option. Be assertive with the intake worker
stating you don’t feel that the therapist you were given can help you. Take an
active role in trusting someone with you inner most being.
Talk To Your Child About Sex
Parents agree the open
communication with their kids is essential in good development. How comfortable
are you when the topic is sexual? Most of us weren’t taught anything about sex
from our parents. We relied on our friends and television. Do you want your
kids to learn about sex from someone else? Keeping the lines of communication
open is important and the dialogue continues throughout their childhood
When
I ask parents in therapy, “Have you talked to your son or daughter about sex?”
They look at me confused replying, “Do you think its time?” or “How do I
begin?” “What should I say?” It seems to be so uncomfortable many choose to
ignore it. If your feeling awkward discussing it with your child you can
relieve this fear by educating yourself, and talking to trusted friends,
doctors. Often the sex talk comes from the mom. Choose the parent who is most
comfortable and non-judgmental to have this sex talk. I advise parents to talk
about sex at every age, giving more details each year. Mentioning your own
discomfort in discussing this topic may help ease things along, and keep a
sense of humor.
As
toddlers, kids ask simple questions and are satisfied with one or two word
answers. Conversations with 4-6 years olds may be about where babies come from.
A simple answer is, from
mommy’s vagina. They respond, “Ok.” and walk away. No need to go deeper, at
this point in time. Conversations with 8-10 years olds may be about bodily
changes and menstruation. By the time a child reaches ten years of age, they
want more information about sex and their physical development. This is the
time a parent has the mechanical conversation with their son or daughter. Each
child matures at there own rate; so let them ask what they want to know. Often
they ask, “What is sex?”
Start out with the biological differences between
boys and girls. Get pictures of both male and female bodies, with private parts
highlighted to show and tell. Go into more detail based on the gender of your
child. As you show them the human body mention that certain areas have lots of
nerve ending and fell good to the touch and that its normal to touch those
areas. If you want to raise a child who has a healthy sexuality and feels good
about their bodies, they need permission for what is normal and natural. I was
told masturbation was a sin and sex was bad. These messages can take years of
work to overcome. Boys start feeling their penis at 4 years old. It’s part of
being human. You must be comfortable with your own sexuality to present a
healthy approach to your children.
Then
proceed to tell your child about the specifics of creating a baby. Use your
human body pictures, again. You may state that the male places his penis in the
female’s vagina and empties his sperm into her and it travels up her tubes to
the egg and may create life. They may already know some of the creating life
from health class and talks about menstruation. They may seem shocked, but will
feel relief as well since the secrecy have been dispelled. Once you have
covered, the basics ask them if they have any questions. Tell them to feel free
to ask questions any time in the future.
As your child develops, and becomes a teenager
deeper talks that are more emotional will occur. You are establishing a
baseline value about sex and pleasure, as well as, teaching sex education. Be
open to sharing your own values and concerns and listen to theirs.
Conversations with teens may be about unwanted pregnancy and birth control. As
they begin dating, they need to understand that sexual relationships involve
emotions and responsibilities. Levels of intimacy deepen with time unlike what
television may lead them to believe. Help them to take it slowly, one step at a
time. Help them relate sex to love, intimacy, and caring for one self and ones
partner.
Do
you want your child influenced by their friends or the media? Our media is over
stimulated with sex, and our children are not educated enough to sort through
it. 12-year-old boys are bragging about getting oral sex from a classmate in
the rest room. Girls are giving boys pleasure, but not getting anything in
return. Girls are hoping the boy likes her for this and usually she is viewed
as bad afterward. Kids are confused. The Internet is the tool of child sexual
predators who rely on their innocence. Unsupervised computer use, leads our
youth into explicate chat rooms, online dating and pornographic web sites. Each
year about 1 millions teenage girls becomes pregnant in the United States, and
over 3 million teens get a sexually transmitted disease.
Studies
show that kids who feel free to talk with their parents about sex and sexuality
issues tend to avoid high risk sexually behaviors. By developing ongoing and
open communications about sex, its responsibilities, and choices, parents will
help their children learn in a healthy and positive way. Is today the day you
talk to your child about sex? I think so.
Written by Family
Therapist
Mary Kay Thill, LCPC
Find Balance In Your Daily Life
I have found the key to feeling good is balance. Easier said
than done. For most of us, our daily grind seems out of whack and hectic. How
do you find time for yourself in order to live a more balanced life? The points
I offer below have been made many times before. They seem simple and practical,
but the challenge comes in finding the daily disciple in our busy lives. We cab become more
conscious of our habits and choose new, healthier ones.
EXERCISE
Exercise and then do it
again. Brain experts tell us that if you exercise 4 times a week for a half
hour each time you will live longer, and not get the old age diseases. A key to
health is blood flow into all our organs and systems. Exercise increases blood
flow. So, find a few you like and keep flowing. With the price of gas these
days, consider walking or biking instead of driving. You don’t need a fancy
health club to exercise in your neighborhood.
EAT WELL
I have always believed
that we are what we eat. I pay close attention to how I feel after I eat. If
you have a stomachache or headache you might ask, “What did I eat that made
this body feeling happen?” Be more aware of the connection food has on your
health. There are so many books on
nutrition you can read. They all have a common element running through them. If
you eat well, you will feel well and perhaps live longer. Go easy on the
‘white’ and processed foods including sugar, white flour, saturated fat, red
meat, and fried foods. Consider these foods ‘sometimes foods’, not every day
foods. Everyday foods include fruits and vegetables. Many parents feed their
children processed and fast foods. It is unfortunately one of the growing
reasons for obesity in our youth, not to mention sluggish thinking and feeling
tired. Many moms think a happy meal is a healthy food choice. Think again.
Another reasons for the rise in obesity is soda pop. How often do you or your
kids drink a can of pop? It is a sometimes food. Why do we treat our cars with
more care than our bodies? Watch what you put in your mouth. Be conscious of
the effect the foods you choose have over your daily energy. Keep a list of
everything you eat for one week and be surprised. New research shows a food
diary can help weight loss.
REST
Studies state that we need
8 hours or more of sleep each night. The better your sleep, the more your brain
grows. When I was young we though in order to do well on a test we should stay
up all night, drinking coffee and studying. New studies show this thinking to
be unhealthy. The clearest thinking came from the well-rested student. Research
shows that most driving accidents stem from sleepy drivers. Another myth is
that we can catch up on sleep over the weekend or by napping. You cannot ‘catch
up’ on sleep. A good nights rest is 8-10 hours continuously. It is also good to
go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. Regulating your body rhythm is
healthful. Examine your rest habits and work on sleeping more.
STRESS MANAGEMENT HABITS
We all need to manage our
stress daily with relaxation techniques that fit our personality and lifestyle.
Perhaps Meditation, Yoga, Prayer, Thai Chi, Karate, Self Hypnosis, or
Biofeedback will be your choice. I have enjoyed meditating for over 30 years.
Meditation comes from 2 Latin words; meditari, which means to think, and
mederi, which means, to heal. The Sanskrit version medha means wisdom.
Meditation means, to join together. Meditation allows your mind to settle
inward beyond thought to experience the source of all thought. You leave the
earth behind and become one with your God or divine source.
In my psychotherapy practice, I encourage people to
discover some sort of meditation or relaxation. There are great spiritual
teachers who can share their meditation secrets with you. There is no pill for
bliss. “The force is with you.” Try all the forms I mentioned earlier until you
find what excites you.
POSITIVE THINKING
You
are what you think you are. Your thoughts have power. When you think something,
it goes into your body and into the universe. Your thoughts effect your body and
may produce illness. Think yourself well. Perception controls your biology,
changes your genes and motivates change. Your body can be a victim to your
terroristic thoughts. This concept requires self responsibility. It's not some
foreign external germ causing my sickness, but my internal negative thinking
about myself. Wow! This is getting too personal. With this view you cannot
blame anyone for your present state of mind or body. Once we take
responsibility, then we must be prepared to admit our weakness and stand
corrected.
Radio show interview with Mary Kay Thill What Is Love?
